He stood watching, waiting, the traffic light finally turning green, the pedestrian sign signaling that it was safe to walk. He walked ahead, following other pedestrians down the crosswalk.
It was a quiet December evening, a line of fresh snow sprawled across the sidewalk, the temperature frosty but tolerable. His shoes squelched slightly as he walked down the winter road and reached the next road, the cars around him zooming along.
As he walked, he realized that he was unsure where he was going. He had no purpose, no plan, he was simply walking where his mind and feet led him.
It was easier this way. He didn’t have to think. Thinking made him miserable. He simply walked. From one street to the next, feeling his cold breath, the air entering his lungs. In and out.
A week until Christmas, the atmosphere around him was cheery. People walked around him with energy, young couples smiling and holding hands, young families off to restaurants for a nice December evening dinner. It had the air and energy as it normally did this time of year. Christmas made most people content and jolly. Of course it also had the opposite effect on some people.
And yet he felt none of that. None of the energy, none of the positive atmosphere that they seemed to feel. He couldn’t feel how they were feeling. He knew that. Yet he wanted to. He longed to just be able to share the same experience for one day, just to see what it was like, how he would feel, how happy he would become. Just for one day.
He sighed and continued walking, passing a few maple trees on his way, the small trees lined with Christmas lights that sparkled in all colours. It was a pleasant aesthetic, the balance of tree and lights.
He continued along the streets, one by one, passing one after the other until he reached a small park. He entered the park, first walking up the concrete steps and then walking through the park, the ends of the rough grass beginning to freeze as the evening cooled.
He continued along, passing a young couple cuddling together at a bench, enjoying each other’s company as they nuzzled each other. He wondered what that was like. Having someone love you. It seemed nice for all he knew.
He walked farther along, not seeing anyone else until he reached the end of the park where there was another bench. This one vacant. Tired now from all the walking, he sat down, feeling the slight dampness of the bench as he sat.
He sighed and looked around him. It was quiet. All the business from the streets seemed to have cut off here. It was as if the Christmas vibe and atmosphere was cut off in this tiny little park. As if all form of reality didn’t exist here.
He realized suddenly, that this brought him happiness. He couldn’t explain why being in this sectioned off park made him happy, but he felt happy, relieved, to be away from the holiday feeling.
He sat back and enjoyed the park, the quiet, even the couple cuddling across from him. He waited. Waited, hoping that he could stay there until after the holidays were over, waiting until Christmas was over. Surely sitting on this park bench made dealing with it easier.
